Heart of Refuge

Unveiling The Hidden Beauty Of Your Heart

Tag: parents

God’s Best Kept Secret ~ Duana Cooper

Photo courtesy of Duana Cooper

Thanks for having me on your blog. As a young stay at home mother of three beautiful children, I have to make time for everything thing I do especially time for myself. After spending my day catering to my children, I get some “me time” once I put them to bed. During this time, I read my bible, spend quality time with my husband, edit videos, and catch up on shows that I do not watch while my kids are awake. I also have a loving supportive husband that helps with the children when I need a break. He is amazing when it comes to helping around the house. I also get time for myself is when my children are in school. My first two attended a preschool at the age of 2 for two days out the week. Since we are done having children, my youngest son will start once he turns 3. Then, this will give me more time to do things around the house or anything I want to do. I would recommend this for any mother out there with small children. This also helps the child with social development.  My self-esteem has been built over the years because of my family. They let me know how they appreciate what I do for them. My children love to write me notes, give me flowers, or rocks that they find. That alone lets me know that I am doing my part as their mother. My husband lets me know how blessed he is to have me. Hearing that would make any woman feel confident and secure in their marriage. I also like to work out to make sure I look the best that I can. This helps eliminate any stress. It also makes me energized for the rest of the day. Also, making sure that I look presentable helps with my self-esteem. I do not get all dressed up often depending on where I’m going. But, when I do, it makes me feel good about myself. To me, when I look my best, I feel my best and other can tell.

My Christian faith plays a big part in my life. We are members of the Church of Christ. I was raised in the church at a very young age. My mother made it her duty that we went to church every Sunday and Wednesday. Also, if there was a gospel meeting going on, we were there. That is why my love for God is so strong. My husband and I have raised our kids the same way. They never want to miss Sunday school or a chance to go to church. As a family, we are still learning and growing everyday by the grace of God.

Duana’s Bio

My name is Duana. I am 29 years old. I am a wife and mother of three beautiful children, Ia 7, Isaac 5, and Isaiah 2. My husband and I have been married for 9 years. I stay home to take care of my family. However, I just graduated this past May with a Bachelor’s degree in General Sociology. It took me eight years, but I finally finished. We have a YouTube Channel called The Curly Coopers which is about family, fun, and hair.

 

Social Media info

Instagram- @thecurlycoopers

YouTube Channel – https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwskTA3Rm_ktVDRxlhLHUgQ

 

 

Your In-Laws Need Boundaries


I was ministering somewhere a few days ago and the issue of interfering inlaws came up. It is really really important that we know and understand that they cannot dictate the relationships their children have with their spouses.

Those of you that are thinking of getting married please begin to discuss it and put boundaries in place, especially if you feel your partner is a mama’s boy or daddy’s girl, because if you do not your inlaws may start to interfere (if they are not doing so already) and poison your relationship.

The control is ungodly. Sir, stand up and protect your wife to be/ girlfriend from your mothers’ onslaught. You can see what your mother is doing is not right but you will not defend the woman you call special. Young lady if he cannot defend you in front of his mother, will he defend you at all and is this the start of things to come when you both get married?

The bible clearly states in Gensis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh.” 

Why is it significant that the man clearly leaves, even though the woman must leave also? The man is the foundation of his family. He is the main cornerstone that his wife and children will come to and if the man is too caught up with his mother then his family malfunctions and the foundation is shaken. You are not only to leave physically, but also emotionally and spiritually and you must start to cleave. Pray about this and ask God for wisdom on how to create parental boundaries. It may be difficult but it can be done.

Gentleman when you ask a woman to marry you do you actually know what you are asking? Do you know and understand your God given responsibilities? Your God given responsibilities towards your wife does not involve your mother. Yes the bible says that we are to honour our mother and father, that is very important but it does not say honour them at the expense of your wife. Remember God takes the position of a wife  very seriously. He compares marriage with Christ loving his church, the bride. Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. Jesus did not allow Mary his mother, to interfere with his relationship with his bride and what he was assigned to do for his bride.

Ladies in your rush to be married please make a careful note of the relationship your husband to be has with his mother. If there are clear boundaries in place then it’s good, but if not and she feels it is ok to dictate to her son and place ungodly influence over his choices then watch out. If you are having red flags or the Holy Sprit is nudging you about something then step back, pray for direction and ask questions.

If you remain silent then you will not have a happy home and instead of having a 3 fold cord ( you, your husband and the Holy Spirit) that is not easily broken, you will have a 4 fold cord that will break any minute now.

The damage done by interfering inlaws is not spoken about much in church but I want to encourage you to be prayerful and watchful in this area. Let the Holy Spirit be your teacher and do not enter a marriage with someone because you are desperate to be married.  Marriage is not the wedding day, marriage is the beginning of the rest of your life. Cleaving is a life long journey which must be protected.

I heard of a woman, who happens to be in church leadership, who tried to hinder the marriage of her son to a beautiful christian young woman, because she was worried about who was going to look after her and keep her company. When I heard that story I felt sorry for her other adult unmarried children. It is so selfish and manipulative on her part.

Naomi in the book of Ruth was a beautiful mother in law who respected her daughters in law, so much so that they did not want to leave her. There are mothers in law that have a beautiful spirit and if they see anything go wrong in the lives of their children’s marriage, they will take the time out to pray. They honour the spouse their children has selected. I honour such inlaws. If you have inlaws like this treasure them, love them and appreciate them.

What I have stated works both ways. There are some women who cling to their parents and will not allow their husband to lead. Leave and cleave to your husband, do not be a stumbling block.

Dear heart, what does God say about marriage? If your inlaws are disrespecting what God says about your own marriage, then you need to take steps to do something about it. I appreciate that some cultures place a high value on in-laws and their input in their children’s marriage. Their input has proven to be detrimental in many cases. Your spouse is not a tool for your in-laws to abuse as they please. Please stand up for your spouse because the two of you have become one. You do not become one with your parents.

Please share your feelings about this in the comments section.

Letting Your Adult Children Go. 

 

Each day I look at my children and observe how they are sorting out their lives to make a positive contribution to society. I think on the fact that it was only the other day I gave birth to them and they are both now in their mid twenties. When I look at them I see them as gifts from heaven, that have been entrusted to me. 

I tell them that I am proud of how they are living their life and that I pray for them each day that they would walk in wisdom and make the right Godly choices that would in turn bless their own children. 

When my children began to reach a certain age I began to release them. The boundaries that I had placed around them from a young age have been gradually removed until there are now no more boundaries. Why? Because as parents we have a responsibility to release our children to live their lives and trust what we have imparted into them will keep them and assist them in making their own decisions. They still come to us for advice on things but once we give that advice we let them know that the decision they take is their responsibility.

Some parents get stuck when it is time to release their children. They make their children dependent on them and use emotional blackmail to keep them bound to them. Parents please note this is not godly and you actually offend God when you do this. God created us with a free will to make choices, so what right do you have to take away that right to choose from you adult children. You are actually crippling them in their heart and emotions. let them go, they are gifts of God to you, now release them back to God through prayer. Let them be whom God created them to be. When you think of your relationships with your parents and if they tried to control you how did it make you feel? I am sure you remember.

Release them, let them enjoy life. let them know you are praying for them on a daily basis. let them know you love them and that you are there if they need to talk or need advice on something. Please do not abuse the parental rights God gave you because if you do you become a stumbling block in your children’s life and the destiny they have in their heart.

I am writing quite strong here because I know of so many people whose perants have not released them to enjoy life and it is painful to see. As the adult child,you are responsible for your life now and you have to take the painful steps to move away and start living your life. Emotional blackmail from your parents will harm you in the long run and may damage your future relationships.

We are by no means perfect parents but we are prayerfully seeking to do the right things for our adult children. parents let your children be whom God has created them to be. Release them into their destiny with love and prayer.

  

Parents Apologise to your Children.

  

Parenting is a role that no one is prepared for. You can read numerous books on being a parent, watch lots of videos and even take parenting classes. To a certain degree this helps but nothing fully prepares you for the task ahead.

As adults we can look back on our own relationships with our parents some parts of it were good and some bad. Parental negative words and wounding have affected us in more ways than we care to realise. I know of a few people who are striving not to be everything their parents said they would turn out to be. In essence they are fighting against those negative words in their mind, heart and soul.

No parent is perfect and because of this, some time ago I sat my own adult children down and apologied to them. We had a long discussion and at the end of it they felt and appreciated that I heard them and it went someway in liberating them.

Some parents may never do that because they are the parent and why should they apologise for things that have happen. Well, if you do not hear your child out without becoming defensive as a parent you are creating a wound in them that will never heal. I am not saying this is the case for every family situation and parents should not go around apologing for everything but it is important that as parents we listen, listen to heart of our children. This should be done after much consideration and prayer. Each situation is measured by its own merit.

As a parent think for a moment about your relationship with your parents. What do you wish your parents would have considered about you? Before we judge our children so harshly, think about your relationship with your parents and then think and consider your relationship with your children. If there are any cycles then you must think about breaking them so it does not go down another generation and affect your grandchildren and subsequent generations. 

You are not perfect so why do we expect our children to be perfect. Parents make mistakes and often times will never own up to it or apologise for it. This is food for thought and I trust this post has got you thinking.

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